You know...I used to be a very positive person. I still am a positive person, but it takes a lot more work. I try to remember that there are so many other people worse off than me and majority of the time that's all it takes to pull me out of a funk. As our trials pile up this year though I feel trapped underneath and my soul yearns to feel joy again. It's been a bit of a rough summer. Don't get me wrong it's been a fantastic one with lots of happy memories being made and lots of friends, family, and traveling. But all the same it's also been a bit of a rough one. Some of which I will vent....the rest I don't really want to talk about.
Erick has been gone to Jackson a lot for work. He's been gone a lot before, but this year I've got 2 kids to handle on my own. It's amazing how big of a relief it is to have my husband come home even at a late hour. I didn't realize it until he's been gone. I honestly don't know how I could do without him for very long. I can't even imagine how my friends that have husbands in the military do it. My hat goes off to you ladies.
Money is tight. Like super tight. So tight that we went on government assistance so we could buy food. Boy is that hard. We won't be on it long...just long enough to get back on our feet, but there are so many people that are judgemental when you go to the grocery store. Cashiers are rude, people stare (or at least it feels that way) and I am wracked with guilt that we can't provide for ourselves. Then I have to tell myself (and have Mom tell me too) that it's okay to get help. We have an unusally high amount of medical bills for people our age (I have to remind myself of that too). That comes with the territory of Erick's Crohn's disease. One day we will be out from under the bondage of debt, but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're just at the beginning of it.
Coming back from a pregnancy is tough physically and emotionally. Even though Bentley is sleeping through the night now I still don't seem to have the energy I need to make it through the day. I do have PPD and am currently on meds for it, but I still feel like I'm missing something. I can't seem to lose the baby weight or any weight at all really. I'd really love to go running, but with Erick gone I don't exactly have anyone to watch the kids while I go. My jogging stroller is broken at the moment and it isn't exactly made for 2.
I feel like I'm failing as a mother. Myelle is whiny and crying all the time. She's not very confident of herself and wants me to do every little thing for her (even though she used to do it by herself all the time!). It seems like every little thing is a struggle and I'm picking my battles! I can hardly get her to eat anything close to healthy (milk and cheese is about it), she doesn't listen very well (I know 2 year olds don't listen very well but she seems extreme), and I hate to even think about bedtime. It's always 10pm or later when she finally goes to sleep whether she had a nap or not. I wake her up at 8am and she usually has a 2 hour nap around noon to one. I am at my wits end! I want to scream, yell, cry, tear my hair out, break things (not my children though, always inanimate objects. Had to throw that in there so no one feels they need to call CPS). I can't seem to keep the house clean. Laundry doesn't get done as often as it needs and dishes pile up until we don't have anymore clean ones, I'm lucky if I even get a shower or to do my hair. *Sigh* I love my family and my children dearly, but I need help. I can't do it on my own.
Now that being said I feel lots better. Tomorrow is a brand new day! I just have a few things to jot down in my handwritten journal and scriptures to read before I can drift off into a short but blissful sleep.
Thank you for listening.