Sunday, August 2, 2009

Complete and Honest Gotta-Get-it-off-My-Chest Vent Post

You know...I used to be a very positive person. I still am a positive person, but it takes a lot more work. I try to remember that there are so many other people worse off than me and majority of the time that's all it takes to pull me out of a funk. As our trials pile up this year though I feel trapped underneath and my soul yearns to feel joy again. It's been a bit of a rough summer. Don't get me wrong it's been a fantastic one with lots of happy memories being made and lots of friends, family, and traveling. But all the same it's also been a bit of a rough one. Some of which I will vent....the rest I don't really want to talk about.
Erick has been gone to Jackson a lot for work. He's been gone a lot before, but this year I've got 2 kids to handle on my own. It's amazing how big of a relief it is to have my husband come home even at a late hour. I didn't realize it until he's been gone. I honestly don't know how I could do without him for very long. I can't even imagine how my friends that have husbands in the military do it. My hat goes off to you ladies.
Money is tight. Like super tight. So tight that we went on government assistance so we could buy food. Boy is that hard. We won't be on it long...just long enough to get back on our feet, but there are so many people that are judgemental when you go to the grocery store. Cashiers are rude, people stare (or at least it feels that way) and I am wracked with guilt that we can't provide for ourselves. Then I have to tell myself (and have Mom tell me too) that it's okay to get help. We have an unusally high amount of medical bills for people our age (I have to remind myself of that too). That comes with the territory of Erick's Crohn's disease. One day we will be out from under the bondage of debt, but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're just at the beginning of it.
Coming back from a pregnancy is tough physically and emotionally. Even though Bentley is sleeping through the night now I still don't seem to have the energy I need to make it through the day. I do have PPD and am currently on meds for it, but I still feel like I'm missing something. I can't seem to lose the baby weight or any weight at all really. I'd really love to go running, but with Erick gone I don't exactly have anyone to watch the kids while I go. My jogging stroller is broken at the moment and it isn't exactly made for 2.
I feel like I'm failing as a mother. Myelle is whiny and crying all the time. She's not very confident of herself and wants me to do every little thing for her (even though she used to do it by herself all the time!). It seems like every little thing is a struggle and I'm picking my battles! I can hardly get her to eat anything close to healthy (milk and cheese is about it), she doesn't listen very well (I know 2 year olds don't listen very well but she seems extreme), and I hate to even think about bedtime. It's always 10pm or later when she finally goes to sleep whether she had a nap or not. I wake her up at 8am and she usually has a 2 hour nap around noon to one. I am at my wits end! I want to scream, yell, cry, tear my hair out, break things (not my children though, always inanimate objects. Had to throw that in there so no one feels they need to call CPS). I can't seem to keep the house clean. Laundry doesn't get done as often as it needs and dishes pile up until we don't have anymore clean ones, I'm lucky if I even get a shower or to do my hair. *Sigh* I love my family and my children dearly, but I need help. I can't do it on my own.
Now that being said I feel lots better. Tomorrow is a brand new day! I just have a few things to jot down in my handwritten journal and scriptures to read before I can drift off into a short but blissful sleep.
Thank you for listening.


Sara Birch said...

Oh Audra, I really do know how you feel! Don't feel bad for going on government assistance...most of us have been there at one time or the other. I know sometimes it is embarassing in stores (we were on WIC when I was in college), but if it gets your family through then it is worth it. Coming back from pregnancy is hard...especially when it is a cesarean--I KNOW! After I had Carson I went through this super depressing stage of my life when I felt like the world was combining against me to make my life miserable. I know how frustrating it is to just want to be happy and get out, but you just can't.

I know how troubling finances are...we've had our fair share of trials in that area. I know how it is to not even want to go check the mail because you know there are more bills and that this week's pay check won't cover it all. My point is that you aren't alone, I think most of us have been there.

Just remember that you are stronger than you think and that you WILL get through this. It WILL pass and what is most important is how you learn and grow from it. You won't be given more than you can handle...even though sometimes it feels like you are already in over your head.

marenfay said...

Oh, Audra! A huge virtual ((((HUG)))) for you! I share in your pain. The horror of not being yourself, relying on medication for some form of normalcy. Of judgmental people. Of a husband working so hard and still not making ends meet. Of a house suffocating you with its piles of things needing attention.
My mantra lately is that the rewards of eternity are greater than the trials of this life. I'm expecting a very large payoff! LOL
Keep trusting in Him. It may just be a minute at a time, but you will make it through!

Jessica said...

I hope you know how great it is that you are venting. Keeping it inside just makes it way worse.
You are doing really well as a mom. The fact that you are worried is good. It means you care and are working for better things. I don't really know anything about having two kids, but maybe telling the baby in front of Myelle that Myelle needs your attention will help her be less clingy because she knows you are focusing on her.
I so know how you feel about the money thing. You feel like you should be better than the ruffian-types you see at the store. But it's a leg-up hunny. And if you need it, you need it. Taking care of your family is what is important. You are doing the right thing. And I find that going to the store late at night, being kid-less or choosing the oldest-nicest-looking checker helps make it less embarrassing.
I always get sucked in a hateful cycle of comparing myself to other young moms and asking why can they have a pretty house/skinny body/perfect life and I can't? And then I find out that they too are struggling and have bad hair days and feel inadequate. Which isn't really comforting, but it makes them less super-human and helps me realize that I'm doing great just to get my kid fed and clean every day. How you manage two is beyond me!!!
Keep up the good work. You are making the right choice in turning to the scriptures. We'll pray for you and your little family.

Joy said...

Awww Audra. Sounds like you needed a Mom hug today & I didn't even come up & help you get your car. ((((HUGS)))) I deal with the insecurities of wondering if I'm an adequate mother as well. You know I unload on you once in a while. :) HOWEVER... I DO have the pleasure of time on my side & I see that even though I wasn't a perfect Mom (far from it!)... you older kids are turning out to be wonderful adults! You just have another 15 years or so & you'll start seeing that proof as well. ;)

As for the meds... we use them. We just do, whether we like it or not. Depends on my mood whether I use them thankfully or begrudgingly, but because I use them I am still here. THAT makes it worth taking them.

I think you're a wonderful Mom. It is hard being a "single" mom most of the time. Holler sometimes so I can take Mye overnight (I think I'll be home more this month lol ) Love ya.... Mom

Audra said...

Thanks for the comments everyone. I needed that little boost. Sometimes ya just gotta get things off your chest. I don't mind taking meds..I know they make it so I can feel better and think logically. It's always a brand new day and I can start over one day at a time. :) Thanks again!